January 30, 2003

Today has been a weird day. Very cold and windy and blustery outside. Seems cold in parts of the house, even though the central heat has been on all day. must be the fireplaces and wind coming down the chimneys or something. Been lazy, dogs and I have been ensconced on the futon with several fleece blankies watching tear jerky movies. Not exactly any motivation to go outside and work out. No news on the DVD front either. this coming Tuesday will be 4 WEEKS since they took the dvd to sort the player out. It was supposed to be a multi regional one but we never had the opportunity to check out a different region dvd until we went to the states for Christmas this year. got home with 12 dvds and nothing would work. arrrgh. so started this whole saga with this company on the 2 of jan and still nothing sorted. I only have ONE exercise video..a bellydancing one which is brand new and a bit difficult to do with a back that is horribly sore. so the other exercise ones that i have are all dvds. can’t do anything until I get it back. freezing and horrid outside so going for a walk is out. and sold my multi gym right before christmas and the movers accidently picked up my free weights along with the gym pieces. when I notified the guy that bought the gym, he refused to give the weights back. what a chancer! so can’t even do any weight lifting now. I am so annoyed. I am on hold AGAIN with this stupid ignorant company and so tired of them jerking me around. they say they will call back and then don’t. I have had about 4-5 different supposed delivery dates and never does a dvd player show up. they say they have manually sorted this out and that my dvd player will be here tomorrow morning. I told her that I will not hold my breath since this is the 5th or 6th date they have given me. but if it does come, than I can do some more exercising. some good news:yesterday i did walk down to the doctors for my appointment. not a huge walk but it was some. and the day before i was doing some abdominal exercises..so trying to get some in even though everything is conspiring against me lately. gave up wheat. none today at all that I am aware of. feel better already actually. but it is hard to cut wheat out of your diet. some more good news: when I was at the docs yesterday found out that my blood pressure is remaining to stay more or less low. not as low as it normally would be for me, but in an acceptable range. don’t want it getting high than I might have to take medication for it. also my weight was not as high as Mr P scales led me to belive. I have been weighed at my GPs for the last several months and they are more or less the same as the dieticians that i have used for the last 1.5 years..and they all say that I was about 10-11 pds lighter than what Mr P scales did. so either the jeans and shoes I wore that night were really heavy or the scales were not calibrated the same. but that at least way lays my fear of thinking that i had gained about 1.5 stones in about 3 weeks. making some headway on the school work too. must keep up with that since only have a few weeks left to go. finished two reports combined together and have started working on two more. have to start studying for an anatomy and physiology test that is on monday. this one will be a hard one. even more good news: got the loan application done yesterday on the phone and it was approved..so waiting for the paper work to come in the mail the next few days. once that is here and signed that will be the loan more or less sorted for the operation. when they send the check, will just put it all on the visa card..and that will pay it off. so when it is time for the operation, will just use the visa card. no point in getting the money and sitting it in the bank for 2-3 months, it won’t earn any interest there. so the best thing it to pay off the credit card. what I save in interest for 2-3 months that I normally would have paid will pay for our trip down and back to Leeds and for part of my husbands accomidations. cool huh? I have noticed that with doing some of my abdominal exercises that my back doesn’t appear to be quite so sore. will keep up with that, so when this weather calms down in a day or so, or..and that is a big OR I get the dvd player back I can start doing some proper exercising. well off I go for more studying.

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January 28, 2003

Today is another day. I think that it might be a better day. I do know that I woke up with a headache, which is uncommon for me, but then all the junk that I ate last night being depressed isn’t common for me either. Had the last bit of the chocolate things that i did not eat last night and the headache got worse. moral of the story..stop eating the chocolate. Tomorrow I go to my GP and get my blood pressure checked and my weight checked. Looking forward to that and not all at the same time. Looking forward because I have been weighed on several different scales lately by different docs with them all having wildly different weights for me. so I want to know what I really weigh. Not looking forward to it because scared of what I really weigh. ahha when i saw Mr P his scale said that I had gained 16 pds..1 stone 2 pds in 13 days from the other docs scale. Neither of these are the ones that I am weighed on regularly. there is my local GP which I just started to use the last couple of months, and my dieticians in Aberdeen where I have been weighed for the last year and a half. I see the GP tomorrow and the dietician in a few weeks. so will some more accurate readings. I know that i have gained, but if Mr Ps scales were right, than I have gained 26.5 pds in seven weeks. that is just about 2 stone in 7 weeks. How is that possible? I have only gained a huge amount of weight quickly like this one other time. a couple of years ago when I came off the atkiens diet and went poof and gained about 50 pds. Prior to DEC 6th I had kept my weight stable within in about 5 pds for the last year and a half. I was on a modified version of the atkiens diet and went off it in disgust in the month of Nov..somewhere around the middle I think and gained 5 pds immediately..than in DEC started to spiral upwards at a horrible rate. this has really affected me in ways that I never anticipated. depressed, angry, and wanting to eat even when not hungry. haven’t resorted to comfort eating for a long time..specially not out of control comfort eating. also have noticed just in the last week alone, that I am suddenly having pain in my low back, sharp pain and if I hold my stomach muscles in it fades mostly, if I sit down it goes away instantly. so the pain is there if I stand or walk even for a short time like 5 min. normally I can go walking for 30-45min before pain starts to set in. feels like my new weight is all sitting in my stomach and pulling my pelvic forward and ripping on my back. ouch and double ouch!! also suddenly out of breath if I walk up the stairs or get in/out of my futon in the livingroom. I feel that I am having troubles breathing while walking..I can do one or the other..just not both together. this could be a problem!! this is just in the last 5-7 days. this is not normal for me. not sure if it is because i have gained weight or if i has anything to do with me eating wheat nonstop for the last month or so. I can’t normally eat wheat. really upsets me and aggravates all these things. I suppose the best thing to feel better is to do something postivie. so for now,I think that I will just eliminate wheat from my diet again..and maybe go for a walk. It is miserable outside, so might put on a video instead. dvd player is out for repairs, so can’t put any of my exercise dvds on, but could put on my bellydancing video. glad no one can see me do that. ahha picture a bear doing belly dancing. what a sight. glad the dogs still love me.

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Background Info:

Forgot that alot of you might now know who I am so here is a bit of info. I am 35 years old. 5’9″ tall. blonde haired blue eyed hour glass figure..just too many hours in the glass. I have struggled with my weight forever. Don’t ever remember being thin. Most of my family is all obese or morbidly obese also. Hopefully my mom will be joining our forum and you can meet her and maybe see some pics of her. she had the gastric bypass a little over a year ago and has presently lost about 120 pds (8 st 8 pds) which was about 43% of her starting weight. When I look back at pics of me each year in school, I was not fat. But at that time i thought I was since all my friends were twigberts. even then I was well developed and advanced for my age. I went to Peru South America to live when I was 19years old. before I left I think that i may have balloned up to about 250 pds..not sure. I was weighed at 230 pds a month or so before leaving. during the six months that i was there I dropped down to about 180 pds again. I think that antoher 10 would have been perfect, hence the 170 pds or 12 stone-12.5 stone goal that I have for my weight when this surgery is done. at the size of 180 pds (12 st 12 pds) I was wearing a size 14 USA/16 UK. I would be happy with that again for a permanent basis. I have curves so I don’t want to go lower in weight than that or I would become a twigbert and that doesn’t interest me. it took very little time for that weight to come back on. and in short haven’t been below 300 pds in almost 10 years..except once when I hadn’t eaten for 4 days two years ago. ahah that was when I was on the Atkiens diet and went from 340 to 300 in about 5 months or so..but when I went off the diet I went poof, gained it back and another 10 to boot. stayed there for 1.5 years and now suddenly gained maybe 25-30 pds more this last two months since coming off the atkines diet. I was on it the 1.5 years that I was stable. I wasn’t losing but it was keeping me stable. I have back, hip, knee problems..all injuries unrelated to weight. My weight just aggravates and exaggerates them all. I may have the sleep apnea also, and my blood pressure has begun to creep up this last year with me being stressed about my weight constantly as I keep going up. I have a serious suspcison that I am what they call insulin resistant. This is usually a stage for about 10 years or so before a person develops adult onset diabetes. I have horrible reactions to surgar and have cut my sugar intake down hugely compared to several years ago. I can eat a bunch of choc frosting and exhibit all the signs and symptoms of being drunk..and it is all due to the sugar. Mr P has said that is basically what the dumping is all about. the headache, nasauea, lightheaded, whoozy, hot flashes, sweating, diarraha..I get all of that if I have even one or two glasses of alcohol or eat alot of sugar. If I eat something like pasta, even the non wheat kinds, or have alot of potatoes, or rice, I get some of that as well as fall asleep. also a sign of sugar being too high. so carbs and me don’t agree. but I am sick of eating just meat and veg and fat. yuk. I like meat mind you..but I do like rice too. or porridge, or potatoes …..masssshhhed potaotes…mmmmmmmm I have always been active.more so than many skinny people. I like to lift weights, bike, walk, hike, dance, and swim. Recently, I find that it is hard to find the motivation to exercise even though i know that i enjoy it and feel better. been easier to sit on the couch. isn’t that I can’t do it, just don’t. I have done some rather large exercise trips when i was younger, although i was still quite heavy at the time. the difference now is that even with more weight on I am probalby more fit than I was than. sad to say, I don’t think that when i was young I bothered to exercise much at all. I did the trail of the Incas through the andes mountains in peru that ends in Manchu Picchu. I did that at probalby at least 15 stone or more and seriously unfit as well as very very high altitudes. also i have been on a cycling tour. did that at probably about 12.5 stone and not fit enough for that either. Younger I was more gutsy to just do it, prepared or not. Now I have to be fit becuase of the injuries that I suffered with my back from my car accidents, but my motivation level is lower even though I am more fit. so it is a catch 22. this surgery is going to break that catch 22 and I am going to get back to my smaller younger size and shape but with my older and wiser knowledge and fitness levels and beyond..so that is me. Glad to meet ya!

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January 27, 2003

Lots been going on lately. even more abuse the other day. Last night, one of the girls that I am friends with at school called me and she was telling me how two other women in my class mentioned to her that I looked like I gained weight since christmas break. why are they compelled to talk about my weight? why do they feel the need to even tell me they are talking about my weight? seems like this is a cultural difference,. everyone here seems to think that it is ok to talk about others just to hear themselves talk…is this just a Buchan thing or is this all over? it was not said in a cheeky way, I was told. OH!! well that makes all the difference. Not said in a cheeky way, I suppose it was meant as a compliment saying that about a person that is already morbidly obese and constantly struggling with the weight thing. Mind you, I don’t bother to try to lose weight anymore. I just am struggling to stay even. have for 1.5 years..but suddenly I have gone poof and have put on a couple of stone in the last 6 weeks. off the high protein diet with no carbs now..and i think that this is happening again. last time I came off the atkiens diet, i gained 50 pds..the 40 I lost and an additonal 10pds. can’t afford for it to happen agian, but just can’t handle life on the atkiens..so strict. even when I stick to it and don’t misbehave, I don’t lose, and I feel sick. yet it is the only way I don’t gain more. can’t wait for the surgery to get it over with and start losing. have a date in april..beginning..but really need a date in the beginning or middle of march. husband will be home the month of march and he is scheudled to leave on april9th..my date is april 8th. dont’ want to be alone and can’t handle three bouncing border collies, stairs, and my entire house as well as taking care of myself right after surgery all on my own. Louise is trying to do her best. need a date around the middle of March. beginning would be nice, but Mr P is going on holiday that week..so the 10th of March is the first date once he is back I think. oh well. maybe something will open up. Louise did ask if I could do sometime in February. but problem with that is I am in the last four weeks of my diploma and my husband won’t be home unitl the last day or so of feb or around the first of march..so still in the same dilema. hate to turn down an opening though. don’t know what to do. I suppose it was a good thing that there was no cheesecake at the wee shoppie down the road. state I am in, I might have bought two. course can’t eat all that..but could put it in the freezer for when I am bummed again. might as well enjoy it is what everyone says. hmmm…there should be logic in that..but not sure where. haha. bit of background on me. I am 5’9″ in my barefeet, blonde haired and blue eyed. right now I am 360+ and what you would call a BBW. Big Beautiful Woman. I have always had an hour glass figure..just too many hours in my glass. right now with this sudden burst of weight gain I think my glass is beginning to resemble a beer mug. I am active..more than most. but not as much as I was two years ago. then I rode my bike for 20 miles once..but other days 4-8 miles..several times per week. and would swim a kilometer in the pool. these days, I run up and down the stairs in my house..have to..bathroom is up there. and I walk my dogs, sometimes. they drag me out. they would like more..so would I. but lately I feel like hiding in the house. people are really beginning to bug me. well last night I was sad and depresed. tonight I am depressed and mad.. maybe tomorrow I will just be depressed and over it. here’s hoping

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