April 23, 2003

I have noticed that I am depressed lately. Bad actually and I can’t seem to shake it and it is going on for a lot longer than normal. I do wonder if it is just a reaction to the surgery or if there is more? I know that eating a lot of sugar is a mood elevator and I don’t do that now. I know that eating chocolate has serotonin in it and that is definitely a mood elevator. I have not been doing much of anything like that for over the 5 weeks since the surgery so can’t figure why it is hitting me harder now. I do suppose that when Charlie goes offshore that sometimes I do get depressed. Hmmm…before the surgery I would just eat whatever I wanted for a few days until I was over the depression and sick from what I ate. I guess that the chocolate and sweets would have elevated my mood and the serotonin levels and then I would go out and start doing things. I don’t do that now. Probably couldn’t even if I wanted to, which I don’t. I wonder how else you can get around the depression. I don’t want drugs, I want to figure out a way to fix it without that. I am finding it hard to motivate myself for simple things like getting dressed, or leaving the house. don’t want to eat, drink, or even get out of bed. very tired though because I can’t sleep. Also I was putting a lot of time in on the other forum, but now that **** is harassing me again I won’t be there. I think that I will be leaving that forum and removing every posting that I ever had on it. Called K tonight to talk to her and she said she would call back but she didn’t. I wanted to explain to her why I was doing this but it is my decision in the end. He was banned from the site and yet he snuck back on under another name. he would do that again even if he was banned again. He is just that type of person. doesn’t respect others. he has made accusations against me that were untrue, personally attacked me, and has made that forum an unsafe and unsupportive place. I have fought against fat abuse my whole life and someone like him that should KNOW better because of what he has gone through still felt that it was necessary to say that he snuck back on the site because the “People deserve to hear the right answers,not hear about how much pizza DAZZLE can boast about stuffing in her big mouth.” what the heck is that. what a loser. People are always asking me what I have tried to eat, what has or hasn’t worked, the amounts of what I have eaten ect and I put that on there because it was my first attempt at even trying pizza and I was not sick. People would not ask me that if they did not want to know. It is my all time favourite food and I was worried prior to that that I would not be able to ever have it again. Yet he slags me off because I had 2 pieces. I used to eat 2 whole bloody pizzas before the surgery and even if 2 pieces is too much, none of us, including him have gotten to where we are by knowing what proper portions are. I am trying to do the best that I can and I can not change 36 years of bad habits in 5 weeks with out making a mistake here or there. If I had made a bad mistake with what I had eaten I would have been sick and I was NOT! No pain, no throwing up. I was fine. But every time since then, I have only eaten 1 piece because I decided that was a better proportion. I just cut it in half so that it felt like 2 pieces. Even the dietician said that half the battle is psychological. I had thought about trying to talk to him, but when I said anything like in the posting he came back with a challenge to talk to him off line. I don’t feel that there is any point. he has publicly said these untrue and nasty things, yet he wants to work it out off line so that he doesn’t look like he is airing things on the forum….or looks like the bad guy. I don’t think so. A public apology from him is the only thing that I want to hear ever again. Thank God he isn’t part of this forum. and can NEVER be. If anyone does read my journal and thinks this entry is negative, I might like to point out that it IS negative! but it is my journal and these are my feelings and they are valid and I am hoping that airing them here will make me feel better again. I don’t feel that there is the support that I deserve on the site which is why I am going to leave it. No member should have to put up with a bully like **** or be harassed like that, yet even if he is banned again he is enough of a jerk to come right back again like a bad penny. This is a safe arena for me to continue my journal. anyone is welcome to read it, but he can’t post here so that makes me safe. His harassment is certainly not helping with all these emotions and feelings that are going on inside of me after this surgery. I am hoping that if I leave the forum he won’t feel the need to come over and spread his nastiness so that maybe he won’t ruin that forum any more than he already has for the other members. Tried on my jeans that I bought at Christmas time. they fit me perfect than. I am now about 30+ pds lighter and I thought they would fall off. they did not. they are looser in the legs all over, and loose in the bum, and fit normal in the waist, and definitely sagging in the stomach, but they still don’t fall off. ahah they were freshly washed and had shrunk but hopefully they will fall off soon. walked down to the post box tonight. there and back is about a quarter mile. thought maybe I should get the letters mailed as well and I haven’t been out of the house since Monday. thought since I did get dressed tonight that maybe I should mail them. it was really weird since it was about 11pm and there was NOBODY out and it is foggy and very quiet and creepy. ahah oh well they are mailed now. off to bed I go. 😉

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